Very confident in my ability to sell anything--even something I didn't understand--I applied for a job as a Loan Officer with a company called Castle Point Mortgage. I had no fucking clue what I was doing.
This is the story of how I helped to severely damage the world economy.
You should keep in mind that I am a tall, young, skinny, white male. I was 22 when I went to jail, but I probably looked like I was 16. By all means, I should have been made someone's bitch within the first few hours. But, with some street smarts, a bit of acting, and some common sense, I made it out of jail with a tight butt-hole, and I even made some "friends." Keep reading to find out how to survive in jail...
I need to set the fucking tone. So my first post is dedicated to Diogenes.
Diogenes is the greatest Greek philosopher. "But Tony, Isn't Socrat-" Shut the fuck up. Socrates never slept in a barrel and ate trash. Aristotle never masturbated in public just to tell everyone to fuck off. Plato never pissed on a crowd of people who disagreed with him. Diogenes did all of that awesome shit. "Gee Tony, jerking off in public is pretty sweet. But it sounds like you're describing the behavior of a homeless vagrant. What gives?"
Yes, he was a homeless vagrant. But he was also a brilliant critic of his contemporairies and is described today as the first "cynic" philosopher. In fact he was very well known in Greece and could have made a fortune with lectures, but instead opted to eat shit and die in obscurity.
Similar to the way we greedy pig fuckers live today--the Greeks of 350BC wasted their lives being consumed by artificial bullshit(money, vanity). Diogenes--content with poverty--spent most of the day laying around in a barrel, eating shit, begging, and cursing people.
One of Diogenes' favorite activities was swimming naked in the river. I don't know which fucking river so don't ask. Anyway, he'd get naked and swim in the river. Now since this dude didn't own shit, least of all a fucking towel, he would dry off in the sun laid out on a large flat rock. One day, some self-centered prick approached Diogenes while he was sunbathing. It was the grand asshole of his day; Alexander the Great.
Alexander had heard of Diogenes and was very eager to meet him. He asked, "Diogenes, is there anything I can do for you?" To which Diogenese replied, "Yes. Get the fuck out of my sunlight."
Normally, talking to Alexander like this was a first class ticket to getting your shit absolutely fucking brutalized. But for Diogenes, Alexander put his tail between his legs and muttered to his men, "If I were not Alexander, I would want to be Diogenes."
I wannna be Diogenes too goddammit.
This is my blog.