6.09.2011

stop buying apple computers (how to buy a laptop)

You fucking morons. You know who you are, sitting there reading my glorious blog on your fucking Mac.

Shut the "computer" off immediately, and sell that shit on craigslist quick! You can still recoup most of the cost of that furry piece of dog shit.

6.05.2011

i helped destroy the world economy

I was 20 years old and I needed a fucking job.

Very confident in my ability to sell anything--even something I didn't understand--I applied for a job as a Loan Officer with a company called Castle Point Mortgage. I had no fucking clue what I was doing.

This is the story of how I helped to severely damage the world economy.

6.01.2011

how to survive in jail

About 5 years ago I went to jail.  Not Prison, just jail. What is the difference? Jail is where you go before being sentenced. Prison is where you go after you've been sentenced. Prison is much tougher than jail. But to survive in prison, you need to learn how to survive in jail first.

You should keep in mind that I am a tall, young, skinny, white male. I was 22 when I went to jail, but I probably looked like I was 16. By all means, I should have been made someone's bitch within the first few hours. But, with some street smarts, a bit of acting, and some common sense, I made it out of jail with a tight butt-hole, and I even made some "friends." Keep reading to find out how to survive in jail...

5.29.2011

fucked up stories from my childhood: racism in school.

When I was in 7th grade, our class was split up into two separate groups; 7a, and 7b. We were an ethnically diverse group, but were predominantly white. Everyone in my grade--every grade--spoke English, and we all got along just fine. At least that's how most people remember my school. But I've never heard anyone mention the other kids in our school. The ones who were taught just down the hall from us. The ones who ate lunch separately from us.

pssst. christianity is a myth.

I grew up Catholic. I was baptised, indoctrinated, and confirmed. I was told to pray every night to a God who loved me, and I went to church every Sunday to eat the "body" of a dead man. I decorated the nativity scene during Christmas, and I even put ashes on my fucking head for Ash Wednesday. The whole time--even as a toddler--I knew that it was all a huge crock of shit.

5.26.2011

christopher columbus was a fucking terrorist

When I was a kid, my fat ass 4th grade teacher explained why we don’t come to school on Columbus Day. That fat whore. Her name was Ms. Guy. Seriously. Ms.-fucking-Guy. She was the size of a large refrigerator, with a dyke-bowl haircut, and a big fat mustache. She told us what a fucking hero Christopher Columbus was and how, through pure intentions and determination, Columbus convinced the throne to sanction his voyage to the West Indies. “We all owe Christopher Columbus a debt of gratitude,” is probably what the fat cow told us all. She forgot to mention was a dirty cocksucker Columbus was…

assholes from quebec

I like Canada. What stinky liberal doesn't? But what I saw recently on the Daily Show has left me absolutely fucking shocked.

Seems there are some assholes in Quebec that are still using fucking asbestos in their buildings. Asbestos; otherwise known as "cancer dust," or "satan's cocaine." Why are they still using this shit? Because it's soooo fucking cheap! Oh, and the fucking town is called "Asbestos." Fuck me running.

Take a watch:

david the gay witch

I work for a non-profit call center. We call people and beg for money to cure fat kids or some stupid shit. Since it's a non-profit call center, everyone who works there is a complete fucking imbecile. I spend most of my day trying to contain my contempt for every living soul in the building. But one person in particular has truly inspired murderous rage in my heart. I call him David the Gay Witch.

5.25.2011

money.

I fucking hate money. No other device that man has conjured, even the atom bomb, can compare to the destructive power of money.

Problem is, I fucking need money because I'm too god damned weak to set off into the forest and live off the grid. I'm far too interested in the fucking TV and all of the useless shit that it sells me. I spend all night on the internet looking at computer parts and arguing over who should bat 8th for the Red Sox. Meanwhile, discarded computer parts are destroying our air and water, while the assholes who own the Red Sox continue to turn my beloved Fenway Park into a carnival for rich white cocksuckers.

Anyway, I'm enabling AdSense on my blog. Fuck off, you're all a bunch of hypocrites too.

5.24.2011

setting the tone.

I need to set the fucking tone. So my first post is dedicated to Diogenes.

Diogenes is the greatest Greek philosopher. "But Tony, Isn't Socrat-" Shut the fuck up. Socrates never slept in a barrel and ate trash. Aristotle never masturbated in public just to tell everyone to fuck off. Plato never pissed on a crowd of people who disagreed with him. Diogenes did all of that awesome shit. "Gee Tony, jerking off in public is pretty sweet. But it sounds like you're describing the behavior of a homeless vagrant. What gives?"

Yes, he was a homeless vagrant. But he was also a brilliant critic of his contemporairies and is described today as the first "cynic" philosopher. In fact he was very well known in Greece and could have made a fortune with lectures, but instead opted to eat shit and die in obscurity.

Similar to the way we greedy pig fuckers live today--the Greeks of 350BC wasted their lives being consumed by artificial bullshit(money, vanity). Diogenes--content with poverty--spent most of the day laying around in a barrel, eating shit, begging, and cursing people.

One of Diogenes' favorite activities was swimming naked in the river. I don't know which fucking river so don't ask. Anyway, he'd get naked and swim in the river. Now since this dude didn't own shit, least of all a fucking towel, he would dry off in the sun laid out on a large flat rock. One day, some self-centered prick approached Diogenes while he was sunbathing. It was the grand asshole of his day; Alexander the Great.

Alexander had heard of Diogenes and was very eager to meet him. He asked, "Diogenes, is there anything I can do for you?" To which Diogenese replied, "Yes. Get the fuck out of my sunlight."

Normally, talking to Alexander like this was a first class ticket to getting your shit absolutely fucking brutalized. But for Diogenes, Alexander put his tail between his legs and muttered to his men, "If I were not Alexander, I would want to be Diogenes."

I wannna be Diogenes too goddammit.

This is my blog.