stop buying apple computers (how to buy a laptop)

You fucking morons. You know who you are, sitting there reading my glorious blog on your fucking Mac.

Shut the "computer" off immediately, and sell that shit on craigslist quick! You can still recoup most of the cost of that furry piece of dog shit.

I work in an office that employs a lot of fucking morons. A few weeks ago, one of them approached me and said, "Duhhh, gee, uhhh Tony, I wanna buy a laptop, but, uh... I don't know what I'm looking for, and uh..."

I said, "OK, first, stop drooling all over the place. Next, what will you be using the laptop for?"

"Duuuuuh, I dunno?"

Simple. That means he'll be using the laptop mainly for porn, e-mail, facebook, and porn. 

So I explain that spending $500-600 on a laptop, on sale will accomplish all of his goals. Not only that, but a laptop in this price range will probably get him at least 5 years of use before he will want to upgrade. "Wow! Thanks Tony! Man, you really know what you're talking about!" That's right fool. I do.

So what does this imbecile do next? He comes in the next day and tells me that he went to the Apple store and spoke to some asshole in a fucking polo. "Duuuuh, the guy said that I should get Nvidia. Apple has Nvidia. I want that."

"No you fucking don't. The Apple store guy is trying to sell you an overpriced piece of shit. Trust me, I'm not trying to sell you anything. You can buy a superior PC for a third of the price."

"Gee Tony, thanks again, I don't know what I'd do without you!"

You can probably guess what happened the next day... 

"Hey Tony, I'm gonna buy the Apple! I'm so excited!"

I wanted to strangle him right there in the middle of the office. I could feel my hands lunging forward to crush his throat. I could see his eyes bulging out of his fat head. So I forced a smile and said, "Great choice. It's perfect for you."

Next, he told me that he was taking out a loan so that he could buy it. So...

Here is how to buy a laptop at a reasonable price without getting ripped off:

First, only buy a laptop when it is on sale. $300 off is what you're looking for. Next, always buy the accidental damage protection. They usually last for a few years. If you spill coffee on your laptop, or run it over with your car, you can return the laptop for a new model.

So, in two years all you need to do is take a hammer to your laptop. When you return it, you will be given a brand new model. But buy this point; your computer will be outdated. You will receive a new computer that is much better than the one that you originally bought. Immediately purchase the damage protection for this laptop as well. In two years repeat the process. You can upgrade your laptop every year for the price of the damage insurance.

This is the same advice I gave to the troglodyte at work.

Will you make the same $2000 mistake that he did?



  1. i hate macs!
    all they have to offer are the looks of it

  2. you can usually tell a mac user by their lack of deodorant and fixed gear bike. (and btw, fixie riders... your bikes DO have a gear. If it didn't have a gear, it wouldn't work. It just happens to have only one.)

  3. Wouldn't say apple sucks to be honest.
    Might just be the pricing for the product? :)

  4. Buying an apple computer is Always an expensive mistake, always.

  5. Unless somebody is a graphic designer, film or art student there is little reason for them to get a mac.

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