5.26.2011

david the gay witch

I work for a non-profit call center. We call people and beg for money to cure fat kids or some stupid shit. Since it's a non-profit call center, everyone who works there is a complete fucking imbecile. I spend most of my day trying to contain my contempt for every living soul in the building. But one person in particular has truly inspired murderous rage in my heart. I call him David the Gay Witch.




David is a flaming fucking fagot. I say this only because I fucking hate this human piece of dog shit. He used to be "David the Fag" and there was nothing wrong with that. As a flaming commie-liberal I fucking love gay people. But then David crossed the line. "Did he try to ass fuck you?-" No you fucking homophobe.

He told me he was in a witch coven. While we were standing on a crowded train platform. Then, he detailed how his witch friends would destroy the call center if he didn't get a raise, blah, blah, blah. By this point I stopped paying attention and was trying to measure this against other embarrassing moments from my life. I could feel every person on that platform secretly scrutinizing my relationship with this flamboyant fucking moron who just revealed himself as a fucking witch. Seriously, a fucking witch.

The worst part came about half way through the ride when he began praising my "passion" for the job. (It should be noted that I am the fucking best caller in the office because everyone who works there is a goddamn troglodyte. David the gay witch mistakes my domination of a system geared for fools as passion.) He kept blabbering about how fucking great I am, yet every word made me want to punch his ugly face in even more. In an attempt to make the pain stop, I asked David if he had ever seen Total Recall. Totally fucking random, I know. But I thought a middle-aged witch might be able to appreciate this classic piece of American cinema. I was wrong.

For 18 years David was a fundamentalist Baptist asshole Christian. He was a closeted homosexual with a wife and kids and he has NEVER fucking seen Total Recall.At this point I should have told him to get the fuck out of my face. But for some reason all of my contempt dies before it can hit the surface. I just cannot bring myself to tell this fool how much I wish he'd leave me the fuck alone. He polishes my balls constantly; telling me how awesome I am, and praising my "passion."

As much as I hate this guy I just cannot bring myself to hurt his witch-fag feelings.

There is only one train, so my options are limited to riding along with this douche nozzle, or telling him to fuck off. What should I do?

23 comments:

  1. I actually laughed my ass off.
    Off the chair...

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  2. You should spend more time with him, and take more notes. Maybe a video of his witch-ranting. I fully want to hear more about this situation.

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  3. Haha, hilarious, good post :P will be expecting more of the same

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  4. Hmm.. I'd try talking things through rationally with him if it were possible.. try and work out a solution to this. I'm expecting to hear more about this. All the best!

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  5. Imho tell that fucking asshole fucking fuck off.

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  6. Funny story haha

    this David guy is stupid

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  7. just hurt his feelings, maybe then he'll stop being such a gay witch

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  8. Ha! Very funny :) Great read!

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  9. IMO, grin and bear it, but that's just the kind of guy I am.

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  10. gotta love profanity laced rants

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  11. guess who found your blog, motherfucker.

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